Feeling Dysphoric

     Yesterday, I went on a day trip with my brother. He had recently had pneumonia and took the doctor's suggestion that he quit driving trucks for a living as an order to quit. So, he needed to make a 6 hour round trip to retreive his personal belongings from the truck he used to drive. I went with him to help him in order to lend a hand to the only family member who has had anything to do with me since I began my transition journey.

    On our way back home, we made a stop for fuel at a travel center. I wanted a cup of coffee, but I was fearful of what attitude I might run into if I went inside the convenience store. I realized that I would have to make this choice over and over again for the rest of my life and that if I let myself give in to fear, it would be harder to overcome the next time. I screwed up enough nerve, and I went inside to get that cup of coffee.

    I got a few sidelong glances, but no one said anything to me. As I stepped up to the cash register, the cashier looked at me and smiled. If the butt hugging women's jogging pants I was wearing left much to the imagination, the form fitting top with spaghetti straps and the fact that I was braless swept away any doubt as to my gender identity. The young lady's smile, along with her attitude, told me she recognized me as a trans woman and that she accepted me as such. While it wasn't a big win, it was a win nonetheless.

    I was happy! Excitedly, I messaged one of my best friends and told her about it. We exchanged messages, off and on, for the rest of the trip. But, when I got home that happiness turned to sadness, anger and hurt.

    A cousin of mine had seen the picture I'd recently posted of me in my pink dress. She asked me how I thought my dad would feel about it. In anger, I asked her why the hell I should care how the man who bullied and threatened me into suppressing my gender identity would feel. In asking that one question, I've probably "opened a can of worms" as the saying goes, as my father was highly favored in my family. Oh, gawd... the fallout I'm going to face for that!

    As you can probably imagine, I woke up this morning feeling very dysphoric. It's times like this that make me wish I'd walked off into the desert 40-ish years ago and disappeared. It's also times like this that make me glad for the love of my wife.

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