Grace In the Gaps: Where Faith Meets Identity

    Author's Note:  I write this not to convince, but to witness.  My journey is one of faith, truth and healing - and I share it in hopes that others may find peace, as well.

    It's not easy to be a Christian.  It's also not easy being transgender.  Now, imagine being both... in a world where you're constantly being told that isn't possible.  Telling someone that they can't be a Christian and be trans, simultaneously, doesn't limit the trans believer.  It puts the limitation on God!

    After I came out as trans, I began receiving links in my inbox leading me to videos in which pastors were excoriating trans women for their confusion, and for turning away from God.  I also received what amounted to prayers for God to lead me back into the fold.  But, I had never left the fold!

    When I started coming out, the first person I had to come out to was myself.  I was stunned!  How did I not know this?  How did I not realize?  Had I tried so hard to suppress my gender identity for my dad when I was young that I completely forgotten my own truth?  I didn't choose to be trans.  I merely came to the realization that this is who I am.  Looking back, I remember the fear I felt, believing all the rhetoric I heard from the Right.  That transgenderism was caused by gender dysphoria, and gender dysphoria is a mental illness.  One of my biggest childhood fears was that I would lose control of my mental faculties and have to be institutionalized.  Was it coming true?

    I began researching.  My research found that transgenderism is considered by organizations such as the World Health Organization, the American Medical Association, and the American Psychological Association to be a state of being - like being left-handed.  I thought that if that were true, then what about gender dysphoria?  I found that gender dysphoria isn't a mental illness - it's a specific experience, like having one thumb among fingers.  It's distinct, but not pathological.

    Okay... at least I now knew that I wasn't crazy and that it was perfectly natural (although rare) to feel the way I do.  But, what about God?  Well, of course it makes sense that if it's natural, the God of nature must be okay with it.  But, that didn't even cross my mind.  My first instinct was to pray.  I had been battling the symptoms of gender dysphoria for decades with no idea what was going on.  Many times I prayed for God to end my nightmare and let me know what I needed to do to finally have some peace.  I never got an answer doing that.

    I was taught as a child that when you pray for something you should pray once, and then just let it go.  I was taught that when you pray for something over and over again, you keep putting it in God's hands only to take it back;  like wash, rinse, repeat.  God works on your problem when you turn it over to Him, and then leave it alone.  That's when you're really putting your trust in God.

    One Saturday morning, I was at the gym.  I was working out, but my head wasn't in it.  I was plagued by the same dysphoric thoughts as always.  As if that wasn't bad enough, it seemed to be getting worse the older I get.  I was very near a point of despair; always in a state of near panic.  Although I hadn't received an answer, I never stopped believing in the Almighty.

    On this particular morning, I prayed once more.  I told God I couldn't take much more and that I needed Him to show me what to do to stop this madness in my soul.  I told Him that I was done praying about it, that it was up to Him.  That was it!  In that moment, I sealed the problem to Him.

    In the months that followed, I heard more and more about transgenders.  Riley Gaines came forward with her complaint about trans women in women's sports, and the anti-trans sentiment reached a fever pitch; but, it was all aimed at trans women as if 35.9% of the trans community wasn't trans men.  I had long considered myself to be a Conservative, but that was my political view.  I believed, and still do, that politics should be kept separate from social issues and from spiritual matters.

    As anti-trans legislation gained momentum, fueled by political figures on the Right, I heard it!  Anger had turned into vitriol, then into hate.  I've never been one to hate others, only myself.  Hate for oneself is bad enough, but hate for others is downright evil.  How can you hate and, yet, consider yourself to be righteous?

    I remember reading that Abraham Lincoln was once asked by a reporter, "Do you think God is on our side?"  He replied, "My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right."  And that is always on my mind.  Regardless of what else I may be doing, it's important that I stand with God.  Likewise, regardless of what others may think, I have not, nor will I ever, turn away from the God that causes the dead to live and the lame to walk.  For I was dead, yet, I live.  I was lame, yet, I can walk.  So, think what you may.  I'm sure of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

    If you believe that God makes no mistakes, then maybe it's time to reconsider what you've been taught about people like me.